‘I know this place isn’t as warm as I hoped. But I’m gonna light a vanilla candle, and it’s gonna be a game-changer.’

I’ve written before about what happens when bad films happen to good actors, but I feel like Haunted Mansion warrants a new sub-genre – what happens when a film has the best ingredients and manages to fumble them completely. As harsh as it may sound, that is the prevailing thought when watching this latest fare from the House of Mouse because, really, the most impressive thing about it is how unimpressive it is. Which is fascinating when you consider it’s parts.

The Haunted Mansion ride first opened in Disneyland in the 1960s, with four cousins appearing at it’s kinderlands over the decades. A film adaptation appeared in 2003, with Eddie Murphy in the lead role. 10 year-old me loved it, but I’d dare not watch it now. In 2010 we were teased and tantalised by the prospect of a Guillermo del Toro production. Oh, what might have been.

Instead, in 2023, we are gifted a flat and overlong attempt at a family friendly spooky comedy movie that is too convoluted for kids and without enough jokes for the adults. It’s so overly dependent on both formula and nostalgia that it just ends up being a dull cash grab.

New Orleans-based scientist turned tour guide Ben (LaKeith Stanfield) is in such a state of grief that he’s drifting through life, until a surprise visit from a priest (Owen Wilson) offers a chance at putting his unique skills to the test, or at least making a wad of cash. The job? Visit the new home of single mother Gabbie (Rosario Dawson) and her son Travis (Chase Dillon) to help them exorcise the ghosts that are haunting them. The scale of the job is so big that they need to rope in a medium (Tiffany Haddish), a historian (Danny DeVito) and a spirit entrapped in a crystal ball (Jamie Lee Curtis). But, with their lives in increasing danger, can they stop the mysterious malicious force that may doom them all?

Look at the cast involved. The talent. The charisma. The screen presence. Now, imagine they are given an overly plotted, poorly dialogued script and occupy a screen full of some dodgy-looking special effects. There, now you’ve pretty much seen the film and I’ve saved you 123 minutes of your lives. And you’ve not had to endure Jared Leto. You’re welcome.

The really frustrating factor here is that it feels like such an own-goal that should have worked, but really doesn’t. It wants to be a Ghostbusters or Coraline, and it has the potential to do so with it’s grief-leaning storyline, but instead it gets weighted down by attempts at jokes that fail to raise anybody’s spirits.

[2/5 stars]

Haunted Mansion is in UK cinemas from Friday 11th August.