‘Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.’ – Albert Einstein

It was as I was stood in a semi-circle surrounding a makeshift dance circle, while I watched 18 fellow singletons enthusiastically shaking their stuff in a dancing-on-one-leg dance-off to the soundtrack Europop classic ‘Pump It Up!’, that I really questioned my life choices. Whilst this wasn’t the first time I had done so that evening, it was the most out-of-body crisis variant so far. How had I ended up here? What had I really thought I was going to achieve this evening? And, most significantly, why has my life so far led to the the point that attending a Squid Game themed dating event felt like the best possible step to solving the problem that is my total absence of a love life?

The blurb for Squid Game Dating read, ‘Squid Game Dating is a brand new immersive experience. This event is for ages 21-45 age guide and will have an equal ratio of men and women. After booking your ticket you will be invited to attend Nordic bar in London for our in-person immersive Squid Game Dating event. Expect to meet around 30 people with equal numbers of men and women. When you arrive you will be issued with your player number. All players will be invited to get to know one another at the bar until the games begin. Are you ready? Games will include several from the TV show including Marbles & Honeycomb along with several unique games for this event. All the games are designed to get people working together and helps to break the ice which is perfect for a singles event. Are you ready to play? Don’t hesitate this event will be fully booked in advance. P.S – Don’t worry, no one will actually be murdered…’

By not just alluding to, but directly referring to the Netflix smash hit tv series from 2021, the presumption would be the event would share some sort of similarities with Squid Game. A semblance. A sliver. My friend Sarah and I had both bought our tickets ticket envisioning a big group event, with challenges from the show, split into four teams, getting to know people along the way. A massive misconception with the silver lining that maybe Sarah and I should do into dating event planning as that sounds like a banging night.

Instead with found ourselves doing speed dating in booths with puzzles. Which was essentially a repeat of what I’d tried and loathed a month prior, through a different company. It was only this morning that I realised not-Squid Game Dating was run by the company who provided this nightmare of an evening. And so last night instead proved that ‘third time’s a charm’ is actual a falsehood and, quite possibly, based on this track record, every dating event is awful and humanity is screwed. Who’s to say?

A last minute venue change resulted in us spending our Wednesday night in Loop, a basement bar just off of Oxford Street at, and I repeat, an event called Squid Game Dating. Which is why I was wearing a Green Tracksuit that potentially evidenced the following things about my character 1) I love a theme, 2) I’ve long since lost the want for subtlety, embrace joy and go out at all times and 3) I have a vast and eclectic wardrobe.

Unlike last time, I won’t talk you through date-by-date. I’ll instead tell you of the prevailing feeling of despair that prevailed for the majority of the evening. Whilst the ratio was more positive than previous events (18:15 instead of 390:10) being provided the opportunity to talk to 18 men counts for nothing when the majority of them are so fixated on the games that they don’t actually talk to you. Or look at you. And they ignore the questions you ask. Or choose to avoid feigning even the most fleeting interest in you or what you’re saying.

A list of lowlights in no particular order:

• being mansplained anime whilst I was wearing a My Neighbour Totoro Uniqlo bag (which he hadn’t noticed, I pointed out, and he continued the monologue anyway)
• watching the most conventionally attractive man of the night spend the entire ten minutes of our ‘date’ ignoring us, swearing away as he tried & failed to build a House of Cards
• the second most conventionally attractive man of the night dismissing me & my job with his eyebrows
• the man I’m pretty sure I’d met at last month’s event and who awkwardly pretended not to notice me
• the man who – at the end of our round/date – left our booth with the manner of someone liberated from prison and clung to the woman he’d previously had a date with
• the man who thought that repeating a ‘missing marbles’ joke as often as possible during a game of marbles would ensure that we finally found it funny (spoiler- we did not)
• the man who asked I’d ever heard of a ‘little show called The Big Bang Theory’)
• and the following conversation during which I finally killed my will to live:

[Talking about the past dating events I’ve attended]
Him: Did they ever work out well? Any successes?
Me: [smiling, clearly joking] Yes! I’m married now!
Him: [silent, visibly looks at my left hand for a wedding band]
Me: … that was a joke…
Him: [still silent}
Me. …sorry?

And so, two hours after we arrived, Sarah and I left as soon as we possibly could – having lost all hope for ever finding romantic love and having found PTSD for this song.