Well. There’s only two weeks left of 2024 so I’m pretty safe in writing this now! Well. What a year 2024 has been for me and my dating life. Like all classic tragedies, it’s rather conveniently followed a three-act structure.

• Act one – Back on the apps after taking a year off. Catfished by my first match. Loads of dates – dates that were either awful or perfectly fine. Tried out a couple of dating events, and even got banned by an entire company due to this review.
• Act two – had a fantastic talking stage with someone I was really compatible with. Was really looking forward to a summer of love and dates, got stood up and ghosted on the day of our third date.
• Act three – met someone I thought was really brilliant and had the best connection I’ve ever had with someone I’ve dated. I’d never laughed so much with someone, felt so at ease and comfortable with being myself. I lowered my walls and let him in, carving a space in my life for him and looked forward to the exciting possibilities of the future. Nearing three months in, I landed from a flight and took my phone off airplane mode to a text saying that he didn’t see how a relationship with me could work out.

It would be an extreme understatement to say being sad in December is pants. Properly pants. It’s like having a film of grey over everything, trudging through sludge, navigating a forest of looming what-ifs and might-have-beens whilst fighting the urge just to sink in the quicksand and give up. Aside from listening to my Melancholy Christmas playlist and being stuck in my feels, I’m trying to establish the positives from this year and what I’ve learnt moving forward.

Lesson #1: I am capable of love.

A couple of years ago I wrote this piece, how I felt like I’d not had the opportunity to take my heart out of the packet and feel romantic love. This year I got to experience almost-love. Turns out, revelatory statement coming up, it’s pretty damn good when things are going well – and awful when things aren’t working out. After starting to fear that maybe I wasn’t capable of feeling this way, or maybe that I’d never get to experience it, it was incredible to have a taster. Incredible to know what it could be like to be known and held and cared for, and be able to feel those things for someone else. I was able to be brave and communicate those feelings to another person and, whilst they weren’t reciprocated by said person (or technically even acknowledged…) there’s an empowerment in knowing I can do it and a hope that next time I’m in that situation, those feelings will be returned and appreciated.

Lesson #2: My needs

I understand more about what I want and need from someone else romantically. Crucially, I have a better understating of compromise versus self-sacrifice. Throughout this year there have been times where I have put my life on hold because I felt like I was in a limbo, waiting for the other person to make decisions. Whilst I think there’s always part of me that will do this, because I think that’s just the way my brain works when I care and am invested in something or someone, I also know that I can’t just hit the pause button on my own life as someone works through what role they will allow me to play in theirs.

Lesson #3: Room for love

Friends joke that I’m the busiest person they know, that I’m always doing things and seeing people. I didn’t really help counter that by picking up two new hobbies this year – running and choir. I live in London and want to make the most of that as possible by going to all the things – theatre, comedy, gigs, book events, cinema, dinners. You name it, I’ll give it a try. At times I’ve worried that maybe I do ‘too’ much’, that it was stopping me meeting my person or that, should I meet them, I wouldn’t have time or space for them. This year has demystified that and proven that actually, if I care about that person and want to make time for them, I can and will carve space out in my life for that person. It doesn’t mean I have to stop doing things or stop being me, it just means communicating and planning ahead. I’m now able to reframe my tendency to do all the things not as a bad thing, but as something that is actually really cool and appealing to the right person. Life with me will *never* be boring.

Lesson #4: Facts not feelings

The – numerous – negative moments this year have, at times, resulted in some real self-doubts and negative thinking. The stand-out thoughts have included ‘There must be something wrong with you. That’s why they don’t want to stay.’ and ‘You don’t deserve love.’ and ‘You’re never going to find anyone. You’re going to die alone and unwanted.’ These catchy numbers have played unwanted residencies and outstayed their respective welcomes. Whilst there have been some massive disappointments this year, there is no factual evidence for these thoughts. Whilst my overthinking superpower means I have replayed everything that has happened this year roughly 456848484 times, I cannot keep focusing on the what-ifs or coulda shoulda woulda dones. Instead I’m trying to focus on what nexts. There have been some deliciously delightful moments this year where I have felt happier than I’ve ever known as I’ve connected with another person. I’ve felt them once, I need to have faith they’ll happen again.

Lesson #5: Community

My deepest, darkest fear is that I am unlovable and that’s why I am not in a relationship. This year’s romantic experiences haven’t exactly helped counter that worry. However, when I truly reflect on my life, using facts not feelings and logic brain, it’s a bit daft I think that isn’t it? The events of this year – the good, the bad and the ugly – have really shown me that I have an army of friends and family. A rolodex of the kindest, most empathic and supportive people a girl could ask for. A committee of exceptional people who have celebrated the joys and commiserated the disappointments. The daily check-ins, messages and voice notes, the memes and TikToks, the being taken out for adventures and listening me talk over the same thing for the 1000th time – I am so bloody lucky to have you all in my life. Surely I wouldn’t have this support network, this wonderful infrastructure of cheerleaders and coaches and companions, if I was unlovable? I need to be kinder to myself, accept and believe that the rejections I’ve experienced are not a reflection of me being awful but a result of timing and compatibility. Whilst some events from this year have made me feel so bitterly lonely, adrift in Noah’s Arc like an rejected Orangutan who didn’t find someone to travel in two-by-two with, I’ve never felt alone – I have a community of loved ones that would never allow me to feel that way. A relationship hasn’t happened yet, but that doesn’t mean it never will. And, when it finally does, what a wonderful world I have curated for them to join and take part in.

2024, thank you for the memories and the trauma.

2025, I cannot wait to see how this turns out.