Last night, I cried myself to sleep. Not the dainty, maiden in a period drama, kind of cry. We’re talking about crying with your chest ugly crying, feeling so bone-tired and world weary, so unweighted by purpose that you feel like you could float away any minute kind of crying which made me so exhausted I fell asleep kind. The morning after, I felt out-of-sorts, so I did what any good and upstanding teacher would do and took a register of all the symptoms and how I was feeling. Brain fog. Low mood. Feeling hopeless. No motivation. Loss of appetite. Crippling anxiety. Feeling tearful. Running on empty.

Ah. Of course. Hello depression, my old friend*.

*mortal enemy

On the way into work, feeling overwhelmed and down about it all, I started going through my calendars of previous years and was unsurprised by what I found. This is a cycle I experience nearly every single January, usually at the mid-way point of the month. It’s no coincidence that my three very worst struggles, dark periods where I called Samaritans as I felt so upended and lost, were in January. Apparently the ‘official’ Blue Monday is Monday 20th January, but I reckon this one is just as bad – if not worse. Typically we are propelled into the New Year on a wave of optimism, the new and fresh year greeting us with seemingly endless possibilities. That naivety is quickly drowned out by returning to work and the to-do-list you had decided to leave to ‘cycle back to in the new year’, crappy weather, bank accounts draining at an exponential rate and, at best, 30 minutes of daylight a day. And that’s before we even get started on how bleak headlines are and how dire things seem across the world.

The shelves where joy and hope sit are bare whilst sadness and despair overfloweth.

It [gesturing at anything and everything] all feels so bloody futile.

The intent in writing this isn’t to corral you through this month. In my current headspace, I couldn’t even begin to formulate a motivational and inspiring message. To write anything otherwise would honestly be untruthful and insincere, feigning optimism and encouraging belief when I really don’t feel it right now. And I wouldn’t dare patronise you with self-help tips on things you can do to feel better right now because, in all honesty, if anyone did that to me right now, well, I’d probably flip a table.

All I can say to myself, and maybe you too, is that, going by past patterns, these feelings will feel less powerful and, crack by crack, some happiness will come in and things will feel easier.

This too shall pass.

Really though, I’ve written to say, this month is shit and if you’re struggling like I am, we’re in this together.

Whilst it might feel it, you are not alone.