As we’re almost at the end of June, it feels apt for the latest edition of The Dating Diaries to be a half-yearly performance review.

Oh boy, 2025 has been bad on the dating front. Baaaad. So bad.

Let’s start most recently and then go back. I took three weeks off the apps for my mental health. My rule was, I could only go back on them when I felt curious as opposed to searching. Curious as to what was out there, like leaving a fishing line with some bait out and seeing if anything stuck, rather than actively pursuing and hunting.

I matched with M on Breeze. I let myself actually be a little excited about this one. We had so many interests in common. He works in film. He was very cute. He suggested a date and time.

I believed it actually might happen.

23 hours later, he cancelled the date. Not rescheduled. Breeze doesn’t let you message matches, aside from a one-line when you cancel or reschedule. His one line said ‘family funeral’. Because he’d ticked cancellation over rescheduling, his profile has disappeared. I will never have a date with M.

Because of the lack of nuance with Breeze, it’s more matter of fact, so it hit harder.

‘Family funeral’ is one of those things that you feel bad for questioning. He’d suggested that time and date – Tuesday at 8pm. What could have changed or happened in those 23 hours?

My brain naturally assumed it was an excuse. A lie to cover the fact he must have gotten the ick over my profile or photos. Maybe he did? Maybe he really does have a funeral happening and is in a bad headspace right now? I’m never going to know.

But, honest admission time, it has made me feel really sad.

Not because of M. Give it another day and I’ll have forgotten what he looked like. Give it a month and if you were to ask me who M was, I’ll probably have forgotten.

It’s more the fact it was another disappointment after a continuous cycle of disappointments.

I was excited to go on a date with someone who seemed really compatible, that I had a lot in common with and fancied. I was looking forward to getting to sparkle. To banter and build a rapport. To flirt and be seen.

Because, sometimes, I really feel invisible.

It’s really hard to convey to anyone who isn’t long-term single at how hard it can hit sometimes. How lonely it can feel, deep rooted within your bones. How much it makes you doubt yourself, no matter how strong or sure within yourself you feel. It’s grieving for how you thought things could be and how you wish they were. It’s questioning what they’ve gotten right and you’ve gotten wrong. Why does someone want them and no-one wants me?

The cancellation notification came through when I was out at an event. As I made my way home, it felt a bit like living in Noah’s Ark. Surrounded by couples who had each other, who supported and loved each other.

God, did I crave that.

God, I still do.

Since January I’ve had five first dates, all courtesy of Breeze. Two were awful, two were fine and one breadcrumbed me for a month, cancelled our second date the night before because he ‘pulled his neck and needed to be still’ and said ‘Peace out, you seemed fun!’ when I said I didn’t see the point in endlessly talking if we weren’t actually going to meet up. M takes me up to six date cancellations on Breeze. Family funeral’ now joins the illustrious lineup of: ‘Travelling for work’ (twice), ‘Out of the country’, ‘Not in the headspace to date’, and ‘I’m now not free then’.

In the last six months, I’m in single digits for matches on Hinge. And not a single conversation has resulted in a date, or come close to the possibility of one.

I was zombied by a guy on Feeld and had a guy masturbate over my pictures on Bumble.

I’ve attended six singles events. Two – which were both book related – were really, really lovely events. Would do both again, even if I didn’t find a match. The rest were varying levels of awful, with either a somewhat imbalanced or hugely imbalanced gender ratio.

When laid out like that, it’s a wonder why I keep trying and hard to believe it’ll get better.

I have such a rich and full life, so many wonderful friends and family I get to do such amazing things with – that proves I’m not unloveable. I am living the kind of life that teen-me would not have dared to dream about. So why does my love life continue to be such a barren wasteland of disappointments?

The sadness I feel today isn’t about M. It’s about the juxtaposition between knowing how much love I am capable of giving and feeling, being the most secure in myself I’ve ever been and certain of what I bring to the table – and yet having no outlet for it. No opportunities to show and feel and live it. It’s frustrating and it’s so hard not to stop that energy manifesting as bitterness and becoming jaded.

For now, I’m going to mope and wallow in the despair for a while.

Things will settle down. Logic and reason will take over. I’ll process these feelings, be able to accept nothing’s permanent and everything can change quickly. Reciprocal romantic love may only be around the corner. It only needs to happen once. It’s not about me. Dating is hard everyone, especially dating in 2025. Even if my life has no evidence of romantic love right now, there’s also no evidence for the fact finding it will never happen. I’ve not met everyone I’ll ever meet.

But, at the very least, could I get some shipping info please? A cheeky ETA on when I’ll next get to feel that spark of connection and that glimmer of possibility. Just a whisper from the universe that it’s en-route.

A sign from above that it’s on its way.

That would be nice.