kids | Charlotte Sometimes

Haunted Mansion (2023)

Posted on August 10, 2023 by Charlotte_Sometimes

‘I know this place isn’t as warm as I hoped. But I’m gonna light a vanilla candle, and it’s gonna be a game-changer.’

I’ve written before about what happens when bad films happen to good actors, but I feel like Haunted Mansion warrants a new sub-genre – what happens when a film has the best ingredients and manages to fumble them completely. As harsh as it may sound, that is the prevailing thought when watching this latest fare from the House of Mouse because, really, the most impressive thing about it is how unimpressive it is. Which is fascinating when you consider it’s parts.

The Haunted Mansion ride first opened in Disneyland in the 1960s, with four cousins appearing at it’s kinderlands over the decades. A film adaptation appeared in 2003, with Eddie Murphy in the lead role. 10 year-old me loved it, but I’d dare not watch it now. In 2010 we were teased and tantalised by the prospect of a Guillermo del Toro production. Oh, what might have been.

Instead, in 2023, we are gifted a flat and overlong attempt at a family friendly spooky comedy movie that is too convoluted for kids and without enough jokes for the adults. It’s so overly dependent on both formula and nostalgia that it just ends up being a dull cash grab.

New Orleans-based scientist turned tour guide Ben (LaKeith Stanfield) is in such a state of grief that he’s drifting through life, until a surprise visit from a priest (Owen Wilson) offers a chance at putting his unique skills to the test, or at least making a wad of cash. The job? Visit the new home of single mother Gabbie (Rosario Dawson) and her son Travis (Chase Dillon) to help them exorcise the ghosts that are haunting them. The scale of the job is so big that they need to rope in a medium (Tiffany Haddish), a historian (Danny DeVito) and a spirit entrapped in a crystal ball (Jamie Lee Curtis). But, with their lives in increasing danger, can they stop the mysterious malicious force that may doom them all?

Look at the cast involved. The talent. The charisma. The screen presence. Now, imagine they are given an overly plotted, poorly dialogued script and occupy a screen full of some dodgy-looking special effects. There, now you’ve pretty much seen the film and I’ve saved you 123 minutes of your lives. And you’ve not had to endure Jared Leto. You’re welcome.

The really frustrating factor here is that it feels like such an own-goal that should have worked, but really doesn’t. It wants to be a Ghostbusters or Coraline, and it has the potential to do so with it’s grief-leaning storyline, but instead it gets weighted down by attempts at jokes that fail to raise anybody’s spirits.

[2/5 stars]

Haunted Mansion is in UK cinemas from Friday 11th August.

Angry Birds

Posted on May 22, 2016 by Charlotte_Sometimes

The first throwaway kids film of the Summer

Most of the Western world will have played, or at least heard of, the Angry Birds franchise which flew its way into our lives in 2009. Since then the download figures of the app have entered the billions category. Endless merchandise has successfully infiltrated the shops and the production of a movie is not that surprising, with that kind of pre-sold audience it makes business sense, although a degree of universal dubiousness was held over the prospect of 90 minutes of screentime being generated from a mobile phone app. The end result? Well, it’s not offensive or massively memorable…

Red (Jason Sudeikis) is the loner of Bird island. An orphan who has always been treated with a degree of suspicion and amusement by his fellow citizens he’s never really fitted in. Since childhood he has been quick to anger, something that is ill-regarded by everyone else, and when a new incident occurs which leads him to lose his temper once more he is sentences to anger management classes. The classes are run by Matilda (Maya Rudolph) and are attended by regulars Chuck (Josh Gad), Bomb (Danny McBride) and Terence (Sean Penn). The four of them want to help Red and offer friendship, which he refuses. When a pig explorer, called Leonard (Bill Hader), comes to island Red is quick to voice his suspicions. When disaster strikes there is only one person Red thinks he can turn to, the Mighty Eagle (Peter Dinklage) who has been missing for years, and he’s going to need the help from those he just tried to reject.

By all rights Angry Birds is better than any app turned film deserves to be. It’s frequently entertaining and induces enough laughs whilst watching to earn its ticket price. However it’s a cinema watching experience that is resolutely hollow. Only 15 hours on from watching and I’m hard pressed to name a favourite sequence from the film – it lacks the substance we now come to expect from animated movies. The characters are silly and fun enough, the jokes deliver frequently and occasionally crudely amusing. The audience favourite character will probably be Chuck, but that will most likely be his resemblance to characters such Quicksilver or Deadpool – just U-rated versions! Also it needs to be said that is a mighty fine cast-list! It’s a shame there talent’s are pretty underused here.

Considering Angry Birds started just after an advert for the very long awaited Finding Dory and the Angry Birds villain also voiced a character (Fear) in Inside out , well a comparison between this and Pixar is an obvious thing to make. Angry Birds is not Pixar or Zootropolis, it does not have the warmth or wit nor anything occurring that is anywhere near as memorable as the aforementioned movies. But with Half Term on the horizon there’s enough here to distract the children for 90 minutes with more than enough amuse the parents too.